Friday, July 29, 2011

Miscarriage Prayer

 My Lord, the baby is dead!
 Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?
 “Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.
 You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
 I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.                                                                                              --  Mother M. Angelica

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Got the call....

I just got the call that Andrew will be cremated on Monday, August 1, 2011, at noon.  4 weeks to the day that I woke up and frantically searched for a heartbeat, when there was none.  I have been waiting for this moment so that I could finally move forward, but now I feel like I'm moving backwards instead.  In one breath, it kills me to think of him just "sitting" around the morgue, but now the finality is really setting in.  I can't breathe.  I am so tired of crying, but it's all I can do.  I just want it over with, I guess, but that doesn't make it easy, at all.  Things should be so different right now.  I appreciated every excruciating and difficult moment of my pregnancy because I knew how quickly it could all be taken away...and it was.  I am so tired of hearing of women who abuse their bodies and their babies, or take it for granted.  Women who have never had a loss will never understand what it's like or just how lucky they are.  My new support is a private group full of women who have lost at all stages of pregnancy and it's a group that I hope no one has to join....but when you do, it changes everything.  The carefree pregnancy is a thing of the past, for sure.  I don't wish this upon anyone, but it's not fair that someone who has done what I have and tried so hard to do everything right for the last three years has to say goodbye to my child...AGAIN.  Hug your children and view and treat them as the blessings they are because you just never know when those precious moments might be the last ones you ever have.

3 weeks....

It's been three weeks since I held my son and said goodbye.  In one breath it feels so long ago, but in another, it seems like yesterday that I was listening to his heart beat before I went to bed that last night.  It is starting to feel like a dream (or nightmare)... like it never happened.  Of course, I know it did.  I am starting to settle back into my life a bit, but there isn't a minute that goes by that I don't think about him, about being pregnant, or where I should be right now in my pregnancy.  I should be rubbing my belly and feeling his kicks, instead, I'm just fat and empty.  Oh, how I wish he were still in my belly instead of just a memory in my heart.  I should be buying him clothes and things, instead of waiting on more hospital bills to come in so I can pay for his demise.  I am so tired from the stress of everything going on and the fact that my sleep is hard, but restless.  I have the weirdest dreams, and most of them circle around being pregnant or Andrew, and it really sucks.  I have a constant headache, which I know is from the stress and fibromyalgia, but until I get all this mess settled, I can't afford to go get a massage to help ease some of the kinks out.  I can't wait to win the lotto so I can buy my massaging ottoman to go with my massage chair. Oh, how I need it!  Then again, the physical pain keeps me real and grounded in a way.  If I'm hurting, I'm alive.  I'm real.  I'm here.  I'm still holding on to the hope that the chromosome tests will give me answers.  I'm still waiting for my son's ashes to come home.  I'm still waiting for the car insurance to fix my new car that the idiot lady smashed into.  I'm still waiting for the medical insurance and hospital bills to fix their mistakes.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  I still cry at the weirdest times and it hits me hard at the oddest moments.  There is just no escape from it. I did get some good news yesterday in that Hayley finally passed her Reading TAKS and is promoted to 6th grade all on her own, with no drama.  She is so excited.  I am so proud!  She gets to join Band and play the oboe now, and she was really looking forward to that.  Drill team will be starting next week also.  Time to get some routine back, which will be a good thing for all of us.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I Am A Mother

I Am A Mother
- Author Unknown -
I've loved my child right from the start,
A feeling that's filled my entire heart.
I went through the labor and suffered the pain,
For many long hours with nothing to gain.
I've spent sleepless nights being awake,
Though it's been a while my arms they still ache.
I've sat and I've wondered of how he would grow,
The love of my family that he'd come to know.
The sound of his voice as he learns to talk,
Watching his steps as he tries to walk.
I have a child that I really love so,
I am his mother yet nobody knows.
I've spent all these months feeling him grow,
I've lived through it all and have nothing to show.
I don't get invited to chat with young mothers,
Because I don't have a baby like all of the others.
I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide,
but I don't have a pram with a baby inside.
The people I've known for so many years,
Avoid me now, which adds to my tears.
I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this,
But one thing I know, my baby I miss.
When Mother's day comes it will be very hard,
I won't have any flowers, not even a card.
And just because he's not here with me,
I still have a son I wish I could see.
But one thing I know and this is for sure,
I'll be his mother forevermore!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Waiting, waiting....and more waiting.

Doug called the funeral home today and we found out that they were having difficulty getting the doctor to sign the death certificate, and she finally signed Friday.  NOW, the funeral home has to wait on the permit so they can finally get things going so we can have our son home. It's such a mess, but apparently not uncommon for babies as young as Andrew.  But then, the doctor wouldn't even touch him and talked about him as if he were insignificant, so I'm not surprised.  I called the doctor's office to first leave ANOTHER message with the financial department about wanting a refund on the $3,000 we paid them up front for our portion of the pregnancy bills, all the way through delivering full-term.  Since that didn't happen, I want my money back.  I will pay the bills as I see fit.  Of course, I'm sure they won't let the money go without pulling out her portion first.  It sucks we took a loan out of 401k to pay it off, and now we're paying for all this instead.  She's lucky the bill was paid up front because after the way she treated me, I honestly wouldn't have paid the bills at all.  I also canceled my next appointment and printed out a medical release form to have all my information transferred back to my previous doctor...then I can be done with this doctor from hell, for good.  I am still going to look in filing complaints against her, or at least warning other potential patients.  I also called the hospital to tell them I was not going to pay the bill they sent me with their routine L&D charge.  $3,000 for a full-term infant is one thing...for a 14-week "miscarriage"....not happening.  Doug and I were alone when Andrew delivered.  We called the nurse who came in and helped us.  The doctor only came in an hour later to help deliver the placenta.  She gave me more pitocin and meds and waited.  $3,000, I think not.  That does not even include the meds, the room, or any of that...that all was another $1500.  This is strictly for the "labor and delivery."  In that case, they should pay ME, because I did all the work.

I also had to talk to both insurance companies, since the lady who hit my car also filed with MY insurance.  It's somehow my fault, I guess because I was THERE.  Whatever.  I hope this doesn't turn into a big mess because I will fight until she pays, and pays well.  When my car is fixed, I will then be filing a diminished value claim for hitting my brand new freaking car. Argh!  I am so over all this.  Seriously.  Just when I think I can start moving on, something else gets thrown in my way.  It's hard to try and get on a positive track when there is just one thing after another.  

Sunday, July 24, 2011

July 24, 2011

Well, I'm starting to settle back into life again.  I went to a "grown up" movie with my sister yesterday (Friends with Benefits).  I say "grown up" because I think the last movie I saw at the theater that wasn't for kids was when that idiotic Howard Stern movie came out in the 90s?!  LOL...yeah, it's been that long!  I realize I need to find myself and figure out who I am, aside from being absorbed in being a mommy 24/7.  I plan on making/taking more ME time, and teaching myself to enjoy it and not feel guilty about it.  Every moment of every day for the last decade has been about my kids and living through them in a identity simply being 'Mom.'  I realize that I need to get out and do things for me and take care of me....not just for ME, but for my kids.  It's so hard to explain, but I am going to force myself to get out of my comfort zone and live a little.  Of course, my kids will still be my main focus and my reason for living, basically...but I have got to make time and do things for myself, which I have not been doing.  Watch out world.

Yesterday, I had my first outing with the kids basically since summer started.  We were headed to the spray park and didn't get 3 minutes from the house when a lady (I will keep my sailor-mouth at bay and call her a "lady"), switched lanes right into the side of my 2-month-old car.  I was LIVID.  I think I handled it well, but then I believe that my walls are up and I am just so numb to all the bad luck now that I just had a "Gee...surprise, surprise...." kind of attitude.  I'm almost to the point that I just don't care.  I mean, are you friggin' kidding me?  The BS is going to happen regardless of what I do, so I guess my coping mechanism is just to shut down my emotions.  Healthy?  I don't know, but it is what it is.  It's just easier to keep the wall up and not feel.  Of course, I'm sure the lady who hit me would tell you my emotions were in full effect and she could feel my glaring eyes and read my incensed tone, but she got off lucky all things considered.  It has been a hell of a month, so yeah, she was REAL lucky. Anger is supposed to be the 2nd stage of grief, but I think my stages are all mixed up or I've just cycled back around to it because anger is still a really strong emotion for me right now...really strong. goes on.  No one was hurt, thank God, which is the main thing.  We did go on to the spray park, and the kids had a good time playing and visiting with our friends we hadn't seen in a while.  Life goes on...

I've really enjoyed my family this weekend and have been feeling much better.  Doug, the kids, and I, have watched a few movies and it's been nice to be able to just sit there and snuggle with them while we laugh and interact together.  I've really missed that.  Even though it sounds so simple, I've been so sick the last few months that I couldn't even stand to watch movies, snuggle, or sit on the it's bittersweet for obvious reasons.  I went to eat lunch with my sister and an old friend this morning and just have some laughs and camaraderie.  I even ended the happy streak by coming home to a clean house, thanks to my thoughtful husband and kids (it has been a mess for quite a while now since I've been sick and oh, how I abhor a messy house).  It was really nice and helped me stay in my happy place, for sure. :)  The kids and I went and picked out some more movies and then went and fed the ducks.  Doug surprised us by already being at the pond when we arrived, and we had a great time feeding the ravenous ducks.  We had to make a second store run to get more bread because there were so many ducks, including several ducklings that were getting trampled trying to eat!  They were amazingly polite though and would stand right in front of us waiting for some hand-outs.  

I've still got some things to handle this week that I don't want to have to deal with, but until they are out of the way, I just can't get past that last hurdle that is holding me back from moving on (waiting on the funeral home to call, calling about the hospital billing issues from all this mess, dealing with the insurance from the wreck, etc.).  I just feel like there is still one more road block to I'm still climbing a mountain and trying to hit the peak so I can start the long descent back down.  Once some of this stress is off, and IF my body will ever get over the physical maladies, I am ready to begin moving forward.  I will still have to wait another month before I can move on with more blood testing for myself, striving for answers, and hopefully have the chromosome testing back (from Andrew), but I will cross that bridge when I get there.  Right now, I just want to get my life back on track...and I think I'm heading in the right direction.  I feel like I am.  I am going to take it slow and just let life happen.  Hopefully, I can learn to stop and smell the roses, as they say - to take life day by day instead of always stressing.  You have to start somewhere, and I think I'm on my way.