Thursday, July 28, 2011

Got the call....

I just got the call that Andrew will be cremated on Monday, August 1, 2011, at noon.  4 weeks to the day that I woke up and frantically searched for a heartbeat, when there was none.  I have been waiting for this moment so that I could finally move forward, but now I feel like I'm moving backwards instead.  In one breath, it kills me to think of him just "sitting" around the morgue, but now the finality is really setting in.  I can't breathe.  I am so tired of crying, but it's all I can do.  I just want it over with, I guess, but that doesn't make it easy, at all.  Things should be so different right now.  I appreciated every excruciating and difficult moment of my pregnancy because I knew how quickly it could all be taken away...and it was.  I am so tired of hearing of women who abuse their bodies and their babies, or take it for granted.  Women who have never had a loss will never understand what it's like or just how lucky they are.  My new support is a private group full of women who have lost at all stages of pregnancy and it's a group that I hope no one has to join....but when you do, it changes everything.  The carefree pregnancy is a thing of the past, for sure.  I don't wish this upon anyone, but it's not fair that someone who has done what I have and tried so hard to do everything right for the last three years has to say goodbye to my child...AGAIN.  Hug your children and view and treat them as the blessings they are because you just never know when those precious moments might be the last ones you ever have.

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