Monday, July 6, 2015

4 years...

It's been 4 years.  On one hand, it seems like forever ago since that day we met.  On the other, it feels like yesterday.  I still remember all the raw emotions and feelings as if I'm in that moment.  The fear and terror. The anxiety of what I was going to see and if I would be able to handle it.  The thoughts of the future and how this would affect me, Doug, and the kids.  Would I be able to go on and would I ever find happiness again?  The 3 years prior, I was on autopilot with all my losses.  No answers from the doctor other than  being baffled and chalking it up to "shitty" luck.  I still remember her telling me that.  She was so professional and awesome, so to hear her say that and to see her speechless was quite shocking.  I had had every test under the sun, some of them repeatedly, and I was fine.  When they tested Lily, she was genetically fine.  I just couldn't believe I was in that position, again.  Again at 14 weeks.  

I remember the moment I saw you and saw instantly that you were a boy.  It hit me how much you looked like Trevor and I couldn't believe how REAL you were.  Those tiny fingers and toes, fingernails...they would never grow bigger.  Those fingers would never grasp mine.  My heart broke.  My heart ached.  It still does.  Just a few days before, I saw those little feet wiggling away on the ultrasound.  Now they were still and would never grow or wiggle again. They say time heals, and it does.  I don't wallow in grief every day.  But the hole in my heart and the pain of losing you will never go away.  I've learned to live with it.  I work around it, but you are never far from my heart.

I know all my angels above had a hand in sending Emily to me.  She is just too "perfect" in every way (even though she can be a little rascal).  She's so cute, sweet, smart, funny, and everything in between.  She is very special.  She says things that make us all look at each other and I know we are all thinking the same thing...that she just "knows" something we don't.  She has someone whispering in her ear that we can't hear.  Someone puts these wild and crazy things in her head that are way beyond her 2 years and the irony never escapes us.  We all smile in agreement.  When she was 11 months old and said, "Happy Birthday, Daddy," clear as day (and we all heard it) was very chilling and surreal.  We all stared at each other in shock, as she went back to cooing and being a baby.  I will never forget that moment.

I always cringed and would seethe when people would say that everything happens for a reason, but as time passes, I am starting to believe that this may actually be true.  Without all my losses and without being in the darkest of places for all those years, I wouldn't appreciate all the blessings and beauty in my life.  I have always been an empath and have always felt more of a connection with everything and with emotions...but now I truly relish every moment.  I skate through the bad times much easier now, because no matter how bad it gets, I have so many blessings that far outshine the negative.  My kids are always mine and they are far more important than any negative that may present itself.  I have been through the depths of Hell and back.  I am a fighter.  Nothing and no one can keep me down.  I know my angels were an integral part of this realization.  I am blessed to have several looking over me and watching out for their brothers and sisters.

Happy 4th birthday in Heaven, Andrew.  I wish you were here, but I am so glad I got those moments with you, even if they weren't what I envisioned or longed for.  Saying goodbye to you was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but being able to hold you and spend time with you helped bring me a peace like I never knew from my previous losses.  Knowing I would have you home with me was reassuring and I am so glad I have you to hug and hold whenever I need you close.  I love you, my son.  I will always love you from the depth of my being.  Even though you are not here, physically, your memory is always in our hearts.  My sweet, sweet boy.