Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas without you...

After a rough year all around, financially, medically, emotionally, and every way possible, we pulled off a pretty good Christmas after all.  I am sick, of course (I mean, what would Christmas be without the overwhelming stress and me being sick!?!), but woke up at 5:30 and jumped in the shower, relaxed for a minute, and then started waking up the kiddos to get the party started.  This is my favorite part of Christmas.  I love watching my kids open their presents.  I love seeing the things I had totally forgotten about since I had wrapped them a month before.  I love the joy, the excitement, the love.  I love the family and fun.  I cherish these moments, I truly do.  

But, what was missing this year, was my Andrew.  I feel he would have arrived by now, today actually, even though he was due on New Year's Day.  It's hard not to think that I should be in the hospital, home with a newborn, or anxiously awaiting the moment I meet my little man and reclaim my body as my own.  Instead, I am just me.  I am empty.  Andrew is a little baggie of ashes in a stuffed lamb, sitting on my bed.  It still hurts, just like yesterday.  I think the only difference in the pain is the way other people perceive it.  I think people assume that since time has went on, if they just don't mention him, then I won't hurt or remember.  I always remember.  It still hurts immensely.  I miss him so much and think of the what if's every day.  I just wish other people didn't forget.  What hurts is that others do forget.  The world will never know how special he was and how much he meant to me.  The world never got to meet him, and though I only met him for a moment, I knew and loved him for months.  It's not easy to turn that off or have it taken away.  He should still be here.  

Mommy loves you, Andrew.  My Christmas wish didn't come true.  Earlier this year, I was certain that this Christmas would be the most memorable yet.  It was in a was my first Christmas without you.  Sure, I may have more angels looking down on me, but I would much rather be holding you in my arms.  I love all of my angels and hope Santa made a stop in Heaven and spoiled you since I couldn't.  

UPDATE:  My Christmas wish did come true!  I got my positive pregnancy test the NEXT morning!  <3