Saturday, July 5, 2014

4th of July 2014

It's been two years since I came to this blog.  Not because I've forgotten my sweet boy, not at all, but because I don't associate everything in life that reminds me of my losing Andrew to negativity.  I remember Andrew and we talk about him in a happier way now.  Every time we talk about him, we don't tear up and feel depressed.  Instead, we think of all he's brought us.  We think of him watching us from above.  We still talk about him and bring his huggable urn down from his seat on the shelf.  We still play with him, talk to him, love on him...he's here.  We believe that he brought Emily to us (sometimes we even wonder if he IS Emily).  We believe that he has made us better.  Made us appreciate things in life, down to the small stuff that most people don't think twice about.  Through our grief and despair of losing him, we have learned how to love and appreciate each other even more.  He is our angel.  

No, I'm not perfect and I don't go through every day chipper, with bluebirds hovering around my shoulders and bunnies hopping along my feet.  I have a horrible temper...I admit it.  I have MORE peeves now than I ever did, but they are things like reading Facebook posts saying things that start with "FML..." or whining posts about breaking up with a significant other AGAIN, etc.  I get irritated at the stuff that irritates other people.  :)  The stupid things they get mad about.  It's kind of the "You want something to be mad about...well, try a day in my shoes..." mentality.  Of course, I wouldn't wish my bad experiences on anyone.  The FML posts kill me, though.  Is life really so bad because your nail broke or you got a stain on your favorite shirt?  Sheesh.  What I wouldn't do to have a life that deems such little inconveniences as a big enough deal to just throw in the towel.  I have been through a lot of things that at times I was sure would break me, or at the very least give me a heart attack, but never once have I said FML (F*&% my life!). For all the bad there is also good.  I didn't always think that way, but I know now.  I love my life. 

I've even begun to enjoy the 4th.  I was sure my 4th of July was forever tainted with the memory of losing Andrew, but even though I get overwhelmed at times, it has become almost enjoyable.  I have to admit that the 4th of July is also the day that started my horrible panic attacks over 15 years ago that made me agoraphobic for many years, so it was already tainted before my loss.  The loss, itself, just sealed the deal.  My oldest son was missing for a few minutes at a crowded fireworks show and I panicked and continued to panic the entire time, stuck in the car in traffic, with no AC, in the 100 degree Texas heat.  I was sure I would die at any moment.  I didn't care for fireworks or the associated traffic after that.  BUT, now I have been partaking in the 4th festivities the last two years and enjoying it.  Now I see the fireworks as a celebration for Andrew.  I know he is sitting with my other kids and enjoying the show...happy that I came around.  

Yesterday was the 4th, so at some point between last night and this morning is when Andrew's heart stopped three years ago.  I was awoken this morning around 3 a.m. to Emily's potty playing music in the living room.  It made me wonder.  Then when Emily woke up this morning she pointed right to Andrew and wanted him down off the shelf.  "Get Andrew."  I handed him to her and she held his hands, bouncing him:  "Andrew is jumping!"  I have his pictures up on the dresser, so she knows about him.  It may be disturbing to others, but he is part of our lives and they are the only pictures we have of him.  We love him.  He is forever ours.