Saturday, March 17, 2012

How things change...

It's been a while.  I've been living in a fog, unsure of how I've felt, unsure of what is real, what to think, or if it was okay to be happy again.  Also...I'm pregnant.  I guess a lot of the feelings above can be contributed to that.  My prayers were answered.  Something clicked one day and I just started praying.  I just thought it was worth a try, I guess, to REALLY try and have faith.  What could it hurt?  To believe that there was something out there that might really hear me and be on my side, instead of it being easier to think that surely there is nothing because if there WAS something they must really hate me.  I don't know what happened, but I just had a turnaround.  I prayed to please let me be pregnant by Andrew's due date because it's the only way I felt I could get through it.  I started meditating (or trying...basically for me that equalled to just slowing down in the quiet and relaxing and stretching, lol) Somehow, it worked.  Not only did it happen, but my entire cycle was shifted.  I ovulated a week or more earlier than I ever have...and it was THE ONE.  I didn't do anything different, so I have no idea why it worked in my favor, but had I not had this happen, I wouldn't have been pregnant by Andrew's due date.  I found out the day after Christmas.  It brought to me a realization that maybe something mysterious was out there and working in my favor.  Maybe there was more to it than chance and there was something out there that knew I had had enough pain and despair and that I DESERVED a chance to be happy again.  There just isn't any other way to explain it.

The first several weeks, I didn't believe it...I still don't, really, even after weekly ultrasounds showing my little one growing and flourishing.  I didn't get attached or believe it since my losses were up to four in a row in the last three years.  The wall was up.

I will be 15 weeks tomorrow.  I haven't been 15 weeks since I had Trevor in 2005.  This pregnancy has gone perfectly (knock on wood).  I am even finally starting to feel human again.  With all my losses, I never made it to the part where I felt decent, it was just the stuck in bed, trying to keep food down and eat, part of the pregnancy.  Now, I feel...well...alive again.  It makes me nervous to feel okay, but thankfully I pull out my doppler and hear the heart galloping away.  I hear the swishing, swirling, and knocking of my little one doing gymnastics in there.  It's starting to be real.  I'm starting to believe that this time I will actually come home with a live baby.  It's still hard to picture it or imagine it, though, don't get me wrong.  I can't imagine my almost four-year journey of depression, obsession, and being so absorbed in the whole process, coming to an end.  Not to mention, it won't hurt my feelings one bit to never pee on a stick again.  I swear I could build a house with all the ovulation and pregnancy test strips I've used in that time!

Anyway, not only have I found a bit of faith, but I believe that I am blessed to have several little angels watching out for us.  This is my time.  This is my rainbow.  I miss Andrew so much and wish that he was here, but since that didn't and won't happen, I know I am blessed to have this little one growing inside me.  I am starting to see the rainbow at the end of the tunnel...finally.