Thursday, July 28, 2011

3 weeks....

It's been three weeks since I held my son and said goodbye.  In one breath it feels so long ago, but in another, it seems like yesterday that I was listening to his heart beat before I went to bed that last night.  It is starting to feel like a dream (or nightmare)... like it never happened.  Of course, I know it did.  I am starting to settle back into my life a bit, but there isn't a minute that goes by that I don't think about him, about being pregnant, or where I should be right now in my pregnancy.  I should be rubbing my belly and feeling his kicks, instead, I'm just fat and empty.  Oh, how I wish he were still in my belly instead of just a memory in my heart.  I should be buying him clothes and things, instead of waiting on more hospital bills to come in so I can pay for his demise.  I am so tired from the stress of everything going on and the fact that my sleep is hard, but restless.  I have the weirdest dreams, and most of them circle around being pregnant or Andrew, and it really sucks.  I have a constant headache, which I know is from the stress and fibromyalgia, but until I get all this mess settled, I can't afford to go get a massage to help ease some of the kinks out.  I can't wait to win the lotto so I can buy my massaging ottoman to go with my massage chair. Oh, how I need it!  Then again, the physical pain keeps me real and grounded in a way.  If I'm hurting, I'm alive.  I'm real.  I'm here.  I'm still holding on to the hope that the chromosome tests will give me answers.  I'm still waiting for my son's ashes to come home.  I'm still waiting for the car insurance to fix my new car that the idiot lady smashed into.  I'm still waiting for the medical insurance and hospital bills to fix their mistakes.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  I still cry at the weirdest times and it hits me hard at the oddest moments.  There is just no escape from it. I did get some good news yesterday in that Hayley finally passed her Reading TAKS and is promoted to 6th grade all on her own, with no drama.  She is so excited.  I am so proud!  She gets to join Band and play the oboe now, and she was really looking forward to that.  Drill team will be starting next week also.  Time to get some routine back, which will be a good thing for all of us.

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