Sunday, July 24, 2011

July 24, 2011

Well, I'm starting to settle back into life again.  I went to a "grown up" movie with my sister yesterday (Friends with Benefits).  I say "grown up" because I think the last movie I saw at the theater that wasn't for kids was when that idiotic Howard Stern movie came out in the 90s?!  LOL...yeah, it's been that long!  I realize I need to find myself and figure out who I am, aside from being absorbed in being a mommy 24/7.  I plan on making/taking more ME time, and teaching myself to enjoy it and not feel guilty about it.  Every moment of every day for the last decade has been about my kids and living through them in a identity simply being 'Mom.'  I realize that I need to get out and do things for me and take care of me....not just for ME, but for my kids.  It's so hard to explain, but I am going to force myself to get out of my comfort zone and live a little.  Of course, my kids will still be my main focus and my reason for living, basically...but I have got to make time and do things for myself, which I have not been doing.  Watch out world.

Yesterday, I had my first outing with the kids basically since summer started.  We were headed to the spray park and didn't get 3 minutes from the house when a lady (I will keep my sailor-mouth at bay and call her a "lady"), switched lanes right into the side of my 2-month-old car.  I was LIVID.  I think I handled it well, but then I believe that my walls are up and I am just so numb to all the bad luck now that I just had a "Gee...surprise, surprise...." kind of attitude.  I'm almost to the point that I just don't care.  I mean, are you friggin' kidding me?  The BS is going to happen regardless of what I do, so I guess my coping mechanism is just to shut down my emotions.  Healthy?  I don't know, but it is what it is.  It's just easier to keep the wall up and not feel.  Of course, I'm sure the lady who hit me would tell you my emotions were in full effect and she could feel my glaring eyes and read my incensed tone, but she got off lucky all things considered.  It has been a hell of a month, so yeah, she was REAL lucky. Anger is supposed to be the 2nd stage of grief, but I think my stages are all mixed up or I've just cycled back around to it because anger is still a really strong emotion for me right now...really strong. goes on.  No one was hurt, thank God, which is the main thing.  We did go on to the spray park, and the kids had a good time playing and visiting with our friends we hadn't seen in a while.  Life goes on...

I've really enjoyed my family this weekend and have been feeling much better.  Doug, the kids, and I, have watched a few movies and it's been nice to be able to just sit there and snuggle with them while we laugh and interact together.  I've really missed that.  Even though it sounds so simple, I've been so sick the last few months that I couldn't even stand to watch movies, snuggle, or sit on the it's bittersweet for obvious reasons.  I went to eat lunch with my sister and an old friend this morning and just have some laughs and camaraderie.  I even ended the happy streak by coming home to a clean house, thanks to my thoughtful husband and kids (it has been a mess for quite a while now since I've been sick and oh, how I abhor a messy house).  It was really nice and helped me stay in my happy place, for sure. :)  The kids and I went and picked out some more movies and then went and fed the ducks.  Doug surprised us by already being at the pond when we arrived, and we had a great time feeding the ravenous ducks.  We had to make a second store run to get more bread because there were so many ducks, including several ducklings that were getting trampled trying to eat!  They were amazingly polite though and would stand right in front of us waiting for some hand-outs.  

I've still got some things to handle this week that I don't want to have to deal with, but until they are out of the way, I just can't get past that last hurdle that is holding me back from moving on (waiting on the funeral home to call, calling about the hospital billing issues from all this mess, dealing with the insurance from the wreck, etc.).  I just feel like there is still one more road block to I'm still climbing a mountain and trying to hit the peak so I can start the long descent back down.  Once some of this stress is off, and IF my body will ever get over the physical maladies, I am ready to begin moving forward.  I will still have to wait another month before I can move on with more blood testing for myself, striving for answers, and hopefully have the chromosome testing back (from Andrew), but I will cross that bridge when I get there.  Right now, I just want to get my life back on track...and I think I'm heading in the right direction.  I feel like I am.  I am going to take it slow and just let life happen.  Hopefully, I can learn to stop and smell the roses, as they say - to take life day by day instead of always stressing.  You have to start somewhere, and I think I'm on my way.

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