It's Hayley's 11th birthday. We were supposed to have a fun filled day with family and go see the baby on 4d ultrasound, find out the gender together, and celebrate. Things didn't quite work out that way. Now, I'll be lucky if I get to see her at all on her birthday. More than anything, it kills me that she has to have this experience, and I feel so guilty for that. Yes, I know I shouldn't, it's not my fault, etc. etc, but I am her mother and I want life to be perfect for her. She deserves it. AND, I am her mother.
I am back in the hospital again. One week ago I was here to give birth to my tiny angel. I was admitted through the ER last night after my hemorrhaging started again. The bleeding that my doctor said just seemed worse to me because of what I had been through...the contractions and cramping that just seemed so much more painful to me because my emotions were so raw...basically, that it was all in my head. After an ultrasound was done, there actually are things in there that should not be. Not everything passed as my doctor was sure it had. Just a gut instinct, I guess, because she's that good...or not. She was wrong again. Luckily, I went with MY gut and quit trying to talk myself out of how horrible I felt because I was being told that I, MYSELF, didn't know how I felt. Now, I'm sitting here waiting to go back for a D&C. I'm thirsty, I'm exhausted, I'm starving....c'mon 2:00. I already felt horrible, but now having to be so hungry on top of it just magnifies it by 100. I am scared to death of being put to sleep for surgery, I would rather feel the pain, but I guess I have no choice. I just hope everything goes without a hitch, for ONCE, and there are no complications. How can I ever try to move on when the BS is neverending? Seriously...enough already!