Wednesday, July 13, 2011

What a difference a week makes...

It's Hayley's 11th birthday.  We were supposed to have a fun filled day with family and go see the baby on 4d ultrasound, find out the gender together, and celebrate.  Things didn't quite work out that way.  Now, I'll be lucky if I get to see her at all on her birthday.  More than anything, it kills me that she has to have this experience, and I feel so guilty for that.  Yes, I know I shouldn't, it's not my fault, etc. etc, but I am her mother and I want life to be perfect for her.  She deserves it.  AND, I am her mother.

I am back in the hospital again.  One week ago I was here to give birth to my tiny angel.  I was admitted through the ER last night after my hemorrhaging started again.  The bleeding that my doctor said just seemed worse to me because of what I had been through...the contractions and cramping that just seemed so much more painful to me because my emotions were so raw...basically, that it was all in my head.  After an ultrasound was done, there actually are things in there that should not be.  Not everything passed as my doctor was sure it had.  Just a gut instinct, I guess, because she's that good...or not.  She was wrong again.  Luckily, I went with MY gut and quit trying to talk myself out of how horrible I felt because I was being told that I, MYSELF, didn't know how I felt.  Now, I'm sitting here waiting to go back for a D&C.  I'm thirsty, I'm exhausted, I'm starving....c'mon 2:00.  I already felt horrible, but now having to be so hungry on top of it just magnifies it by 100.  I am scared to death of being put to sleep for surgery, I would rather feel the pain, but I guess I have no choice.  I just hope everything goes without a hitch, for ONCE, and there are no complications.  How can I ever try to move on when the BS is neverending?  Seriously...enough already!


  1. I am so glad to hear that you listened to yourself and your body and not the doctor so you can get the medical care you need to start physically healing properly. Despite what they think, doctors do NOT know everything. My grandmother and I both have had to prove the doctors wrong before for very different reasons so it most definitely happens. ALWAYS listen to your gut and what your heart is telling you, just like you have been! I believe it is God telling us something is wrong if we listen. I have been praying and thinking about you daily since hearing the news and will continue to do so... :)

  2. You are so right. I've learned the hard way time and time again. I always start second-guessing how I feel because they seem to adamantly KNOW how you are or aren't feeling. Not anymore. My voice will be heard from this day forward and I won't let any doctor belittle me or tell ME how I feel. Thank you for the prayers and the support. It means a lot to me. <3

  3. When you have a good doctor it makes all the difference in the world to just be able to feel comfortable and confident that they really have your best interest at heart. It sounds like your fertility dr is one of those :)
    I had a radiologist make me feel like an idiot last summer when I had to have a mammogram and ultrasound for something I felt in my left breast. He acted like he couldn't even feel it or see it on any of the results so it must be my imagination! For my 3 month follow-up I got a referral to a breast specialist who only does this stuff and is her own radiologist. She immediately felt what I was talking about and did a biopsy within days. Thankfully it was benign, but I hate to think what it could have been sitting there for 3months untreated because 1 stupid radiologist in Rockwall thought I was crazy....It is hard to fight for yourself when there's a supposed "expert" telling you something different.

    BTW I meant to say before that I think your pictures of Andrew are very sweet and very very special!