One of those days...

Hmmm....I'm hoping it's hormones and my body is finally going to welcome Aunt Flo back and get me back on track, but whatever it is, I don't like it.  Maybe it's the rain.  Today has been tough, to say the least.  I have had some good days over the last few weeks.  My old life seems to be breaking through to the surface and I can hold it together for the most part...most days.  Today was different.  It started with walking the kids to school this morning.  On the way home, I saw a journal on the sidewalk, turned it over, and sure enough...it was Hayley's.  She had dropped it on the way to school and luckily it was I who found it on my way home.  I looked through it, thinking it was school-related, only to be shocked that it was a journal, of sorts.  She talked about me being 9 weeks pregnant and how she was so excited.  She spoke of how she hoped that this baby would make it and wouldn't be a "miscarridge" or a "still born."  The next page jumped straight to the loss.  There was a picture of her, happy, holding a baby and what was her "futurized" ideal of what it would be like to have the baby here.  Next, a picture of her crying, the baby next to her, and said:  "The day his heart stopped...mine broke."  O..M..G..

I sat on the couch and tried to gather my thoughts and stop the tears, but for some reason a picture of Hayley when she was 5 popped in my head like someone was showing it to me. In the picture, I had photoshopped a picture of a baby Trevor sleeping, into the palms of her hands.  It stung like a bee because I realized that that was exactly how I had held Andrew three months ago, cupped in my hands just like that.  The only difference was she was so beautiful and giddy holding him....such a happy picture.

I just still can't wrap my head around my loss.  It seems more and more surreal and like it never happened, but then I stare at the last sonogram and remember how big and perfect he was, how active he was, how....he was.  Period.  Then I look at his picture, so tiny, yet so real, looking like Trevor.  I try to imagine that I shouldn't be seeing him at all, but he should be in my belly kicking me, causing me backaches and pains.  I should be wondering who he would look like.  What color would his hair be - blonde like Hayley or brown like Trevor?  Instead, he is REALLY in this stuffed animal that I hold, and kiss, and hug, and sleep with when I need him close.  It's one thing for me to feel this way, but for Hayley, an 11-year-old sweetheart....it really pisses me off.  She is truly such a great kid.  I could not have asked for a better daughter.  Why does she have to suffer?  She is so strong, and like me, she hides her feelings well to protect others.  I didn't realize how this all affected her.  I didn't think she really noticed how sucky her summer was, again.  Or maybe I had just hoped that she hadn't.  Finishing off her journal it said she had a sucky summer and she hated it.  So much for that.  I am going to have a talk with her soon when we are alone.  I need to see just how badly she is still affected by this.  She knows she can talk to me about anything, but she is playing the adult role...well, and taking after me by suffering silently so she doesn't affect anyone else.  It breaks my heart.

I don't know what to think anymore.  I think I have adapted a more "take it as it comes" attitude, but it is still hard.  I wish I was still pregnant and all these last three months were just a dream, but it's not.  It's still hard to imagine that I am supposed to be pregnant...because I'm not.  I'm trying to let go.  I'm trying to focus on the future and adapt a more positive attitude.  I'm trying.  When life throws you curveballs....they each hit you in the shin....is that how that goes?  It seems that way.  I'm alive though.  I've got a great family, great kids.  I am starting to take better care of myself and see that there is happiness in my life, even through the sorrow.  I know that I can make it through this, and even though it still hurts, it won't keep me down. Maybe in a month or so my body will be worked out and back on track...it will be easier to forget that I am still recovering when I'm not constantly waiting for my body to catch up.  I've been walking and exercising, so I am already feeling physically better.  Now, if I can just get my emotions on track....

On a brighter note, and not to seem like I'm sounding so redundant (it seems like all my posts end up being me rambling about the same thing, trying to figure out how I feel or make sense of everything), the kids are doing great in school.  Hayley's teachers had nothing to say but what a pleasure she was, sweet kid, SHY and QUIET (WHAT!?!), and that she didn't seem to be having attention problems!  Everyone at the school seemed so nice....almost Stepford Wives, Twilight Zone nice.  That's a good thing, though. :)  Hayley still loves school.  Trevor says his teacher is mean, but he has somehow managed to get a sticker on his chart every day of school so far, and that is saying a lot considering his teacher is known as the meanest in the school.  He hasn't given me problems about going or anything, which was a big fear of mine.  He gets out of the car in the morning, yells, "Love you, Mom," in his husky voice, and trots off into the school.  I love him so much.  He puts a smile on my face every morning.

Time keeps on slipping....

Hayley writing Andrew a letter 

I'm starting to breathe again.  I mean, really breathe.  Breathe in life.  Breathe in hope.  I know I will move on.  I have found my smile again.  True laughter.  Though a part of my heart has healed, there is a part that will never mend, but I've accepted it.  I don't like it...but I've accepted it.  There is no lesson to learn from it, other than that life is unfair, no matter how people may say otherwise.  I've realized those people are most likely the ones who have never been through a loss or held or delivered their dead baby, and don't realize that by saying there is a "reason for everything," or that "God never gives us more than we can handle," probably do not realize that even though they are trying to help, that makes it feel like I deserved this in some way or that MY baby wasn't good enough to be born...or maybe that I shouldn't grieve as much as I do because sometimes it definitely feels like more than I can handle, but what choice to I have?  It is there.  I realize, though, that even though it felt like my entire heart was damaged for life and ripped to pieces, it was just one piece (well one piece times four would be more accurate, I suppose), and there is much more left that is full of love and life..and hope.  Much more left for my earth angels who will keep me going.

Each day is a little easier.  Even though I never forget and there are so many times a day when I want to fall to my knees and cry my eyes out, I get through it.  It will be okay.  I can't change what happened or what WILL happen, but I can take it for what it is and move forward.  My babies will always be a part of my life, just not the way I want them to be.  It will always sting to see a pregnant woman or a small baby, but I will get through it.  I may cry or have to walk away, but I will survive.  I even got to hold my cousin's little boy last night and he was so stinkin' cute it's ridiculous.  Her's didn't even bother me as much as the other people in the room with babies...maybe because I know she has been in my shoes and I know that she is a great person that deserves him.  That really does help make it more tolerable.  It may not seem right, or even a selfish conclusion, but it's just how it works.  Granted, I don't know these other women's stories, but I can't help but wonder if they know just how blessed they are or wonder if they are deserving, and what makes them more so than I?  Logically, it may not make sense, but if you have had a loss of your own, than most likely you know exactly where I'm coming from.  It's not just me, it's the way it works for most of us, as I've learned through the wonderful virtual family I have come to know through an online group.  We have a bond that we share...losing our babies, and it makes for a very special and tight bond.  A group that you really do have to be inducted into, no matter how much you wish you weren't.

I have a little more hope now that maybe I'm not doomed or cursed to constantly have the crazy, unbelievable, horrible luck that seems to cling to me no matter where I go or what I do.  The lady who hit my car finally came forward and contacted her insurance.  The day after I got the letter saying they denied my claim...she called, they reopened my case, and now they are accepting liability!  I will be getting my car fixed soon!  On top of everything, I won't have to go outside and feel sick to my stomach every time I see my NEW car with a dent and scratches down the side.  I don't have to worry about coming up with the $500 just to fix my car that another person damaged!  Such a huge weight has lifted.  I am still fighting the hospital on the L&D charges, but they have closed my case and denied that the charges are wrong.  I simply told them I wouldn't pay it and they could either have someone contact me that I could talk to, other than the billing ladies that don't have much sense, or they can take me to court.  I will send every bill they send me right back to them with a big 'VOID' written across it.  Maybe they will finally have someone call me that can fix it or someone that can at least discuss it.  Otherwise, they can take me to court.  I don't really care.  I am hard headed and don't take too well to being screwed over.  Sure, no one does, but I don't give up if I feel I'm being wronged.  I'm not going to stress over it any more.  I won't pay a penny of it.  That's that.

Sweet girls fixing the flowers on other graves

We went to the cemetery yesterday for Granny's birthday.  All mom's sisters were there, and Mel, Hannah, Hayley, and I.  Of course, Hayley brought Andrew along, too. : )  Hayley picked out some little figurines to put on the graves, and we brought two balloons that we attached our letters to.  Everyone else signed one of the balloons with their own messages to Heaven and we let them go.  We weren't sure if they were going to make it above the trees, but they took off at the last minute.  Everyone was cheering them on and coaxing them OVER the trees.  : )  I realized that one positive thing Hayley has learned from our losses has been that she has an empathetic and caring understanding of death.  She has always wanted to put flowers on the graves, but there is just something more mature and understanding now.  Death is not as mysterious.  It's not something you just read about or that happens to other people.  The headstones are not just stones with writing...they symbolize real people that were once living and breathing, with families and loved ones who miss them.  Even babies.  She and Hannah walked around picking up fallen flowers and trinkets from people's headstones and replacing them.  She asked if we could go back with flowers for everyone and put them on all the graves that don't have anything...realizing these were most likely long forgotten and obviously unvisited.  I am so proud to be her mother.  She has such a kind and loving heart.  She is one of  a kind, and she is a big reason that MY heart can go on...even with the small pieces missing...

Sending our letters and balloons to Heaven

Giving Andrew a ride. : )

My mom and aunts

After the cemetery, Julie and I went to Cantina Laredo, a Mexican restaurant, for a friend of ours' 40th birthday.  It was weird being "out" on a weekend night, away from home, AND without my kids or Doug!  I kinda enjoyed it. LOL  I saw some old friends, ate good food, and just enjoyed being away for a while.  Our friend's party went great and she was toasted and honored, as was much deserved.  She is a very caring and giving person, so it was nice to see her getting a little bit of that back, and seeing that everyone loves her just as much as we do.  All in all, it was nice to get out and just be "normal" again.  It also touched me that an old friend made an observation that made me feel, well, validated.  He said that I was doing better than all of them (meaning all our old "gang" from 20 years ago) and that I had my "shit together."  Back then, no one would've thought that I would be the one to pull ahead and get my head on straight, but I did.  He even went so far as to say that I had a lot of people working against me and trying to drag me down back then...people doing me wrong that didn't care about me....yet, somehow I made it and am living the life that we all should be.  I've fought a lot of things in silence and on my own, basically because I've been misunderstood and went through things that people just don't know, and finally, it was nice to hear that someone GOT it and was acknowledging it.  Thank you.  <3