Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year's / Andrew's Day

Happy New Year.  Those words feel so hollow to me now.  Fireworks make me ill.  I lost Andrew on the 4th of July.  He was due today.  I should be holding my little guy by now, instead of his ashes.  This will forever be your day, little man.  New Year's is just another day.  I love and miss you so much every day.  I dream of how different things should be and why my life had to take this path at the fork in the road.  I wish I could be ignorant to this whole suffering thing, and just have you here with me...never even realizing this path of pain, loss, and suffering.  Why couldn't my life have went down that OTHER road? didn't.  You aren't here.  It won't change.

Even through all the horrible emotions, I feel an odd sense of ...peace?  Understanding?  I have accepted that I don't have control over anything.  I can only do so much to affect the outcomes of anything in my life, so I will just try and be as positive as I can, do the best I can, and try to build my faith that I'm not cursed and that things will happen in my favor.  I am not some pawn in a cruel game of life, used for the God's amusement (was that Jason and the Argonauts or Clash of the Titans?).  I just have a feeling this year is going to be better. I hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying so, but I have a feeling.  Things have been working out really strangely lately, and seemingly in my favor, so I hope my life is starting to come together.  I've had enough of the bad.  It is my time to shine.  I deserve it.  I believe that now.  I can't change it, regardless, so why add the stress and all the negative energy...I'll just try to stay positive.  I guess what I'm trying to say is no matter how I feel or react, negative or positive, the outcome will be the, I'd much rather focus on the positive.  I have learned how precious each day and each moment are (even though I thought I learned this years ago with other bad experiences).  I have learned that I can't control things and the outcome in life, so what will be will be.  I might as well try to enjoy the ride while I'm on it, even if it ends with the cars flying off the tracks.  No need spending my whole life dreading that one moment, and missing all the good things in the meantime.  

I love you, Andrew.  I miss you more than anyone will ever know and my heart hurts inside, even when I outwardly hide the pain.  I won't deny the pain or grief, but I will focus more on the things that are great in my life.  I have so much to be thankful for.  Being happy about those things won't take away from your loss.  I realize that now.  It's not disrespecting you if I focus on the positive things, and in fact, I'm sure that's what you would want.  So, my New Year's / Andrew's Day resolution, is to focus more on the positive, don't dwell on the negative, and take things as they come.  I will try my best to relax and stress less, and hopefully be a happier person in the long run.  I can't promise a happy me, every day, but I'm sure going to try.  2012 is a new year....let's see if we can make it a good one.  I know I have an advantage with all my angels watching over me.