Tuesday, December 6, 2011

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I've posted.  I'm fighting the depression, I guess, trying to stay strong.  Instead of getting easier, in some ways it's getting harder.  Instead of having more normal days, I have more days of tears.  I think about my babies every moment.  It's hurtful that people don't mention them, even though I know they are worried that it will bring up bad memories or something.  The bad memories never go away, I'd actually appreciate knowing that I'm not the only one that knows my babies are missing and who misses and loves them.  I know they are gone.  I don't forget...ever.

Luckily, I'm staying busy with the holidays coming up.  So much hustle and bustle, stress, shopping, and everything in between.  Trevor's birthday just passed.  My baby turned 6.  I can't help but think that instead of being my baby, he should be a big brother to at least one sibling.  Lily should be here pulling herself up on things, grabbing ornaments off the tree, ripping my perfectly wrapped gifts under the tree....literally driving me crazy!  Since she's not here, couldn't I at least have Andrew, still in my belly?  Couldn't I be miserable and achy, whiny and irritable, but anxious for him to arrive so I can see him and cuddle him, smother him in kisses, and see him interact with his brothers and sister?  Couldn't I have him moving around in my belly to his siblings amazement and giggles, with their hand on my belly?  No...I can't.

How do I get through Christmas, knowing he would probably have arrived on Christmas, even though he was due on New Year's?  I really thought Andrew was God's apology.  His way of sharing His son's birthday with mine.  His way of saying, "You know what?  I want you to have this baby.  I want you to know that I'm NOT punishing you and you DO deserve your child."  I thought Andrew would be my Christmas gift...my blessing.  I not only lost him, but lost him on the very day that I had dreaded and wanted to get past so I could start to let my guard down.  Just let me make it through this final night and I can relax.  The one day that coincided with finding out I had had my first missed miscarriage at 14 weeks.  It happened that very night.  I was almost to the goal line.  I could taste victory...almost.  The jokes on me...again.

Why can't I at least have answers as to WHY he can't be here instead of a healthy baby...no...ANOTHER healthy baby...gone.  No reason.  Just because.  I am left empty and grasping at straws to try to keep functioning when some days it feels like it will overwhelm me.  It truly knocks the wind out of me.   I hug the lamb with his ashes.  My perfectly healthy baby who died for no reason.  I sleep with him.  I talk to him and hug him.  He is the only one who sees my tears.  Why is MY son reduced to ashes?  MY little girl gone?  Why do I have to be mommy to all my angels that I never got to see or hold?  I don't want angels.  I want my babies.  Call me selfish.

I wish I had something good to say.  That "Hey, it get's easier," but it doesn't.  Sure, I function, but not wholly.  I will say that I am thankful for my earth angels....my living children.  They are my heart and soul, my reason for getting up in the morning.  Sounds cliche, but it is 110% the truth.  They keep me going and give me purpose.  One good thing that has come from my losses is that I love and appreciate my kids to the fullest, as if I didn't in the first place, but I am painfully aware of it every moment.  I know I am truly blessed to have them. I knew they were miracles before, as every baby is, but after four losses in a row, I know what miracles they truly were.  They are all awesome kids with great, individual personalities, kind hearts, and loving souls.  I couldn't ask for more....except to have my angels here with us.

I also have my Baby Loss Mom friends that have helped me through the tough times.  They understand like no one else does.  They are there for me like no one else is.  They comfort and support me more than anyone else could.  It's so crazy to think that women I have only met virtually are like family to me, but they are.  I have been on a journey with these women and will continue to do so.  I am so thankful and blessed to have found them.  I honestly don't know where I would be without them.  Christmas isn't just a rough time for me...it's a rough time for many of them as well.  I'm hoping that we all get through and actually find a way to enjoy it, instead of just trying to survive it.