Thursday, July 21, 2011

Physically healing

My body is finally starting to mend.  Hayley and I actually got to go to the grocery store yesterday...the first time in over a month for me!  I did pretty well, although I feel my muscles have wasted away and I'm having to rebuild them. It was nice to get out of the house that I've been confined to since April!  I am still exhausted, but I no longer feel like my body is just going to shut down on me.  Now, to get this messy house clean that has festered for the last several months, ugh.  Doug tried to "clean," but we all know men's idea of cleaning is not quite the same as ours...and yes, I'm anal about it!  I hate to do it, but once it's clean, I honestly think I will feel better all around.  I hate a messy house!

The only bad thing about my physical symptoms disappearing is that my emotional ones are coming forefront.  I can't hide behind the physical pain anymore and the grief and depression are hitting me smack in the face and heart like a wrecking ball.  I am still in disbelief that this has happened and still can't believe I'm no longer pregnant...or that I ever was.  It's so crazy how that works.  I was in my bed for MONTHS, sick, and trying to get through the pregnancy, but somehow those endless minutes just seem to have disappeared, like it was all a dream.  I know it wasn't, of course, but maybe it's just my souls way of trying to help ease the hurt of losing Andrew.  I still see his long, but tiny, body and his face, his long legs, his little big feet....and the longing for him is overwhelming.  I look at Trevor and I see Andrew.  I dream of what could have been and how much he would have been like Trevor.  What a great brother Trevor would have been to his little mini-me.

I am getting better though...I will get through this.  I have had the great support of family and friends to help push me and remind me I'm not alone, even though sometimes it feels that way.  It has definitely opened my eyes even more so to the blessings that I do have in my life.  I am blessed with great, loving kiddos who I will take that much more time to love and adore every minute of every day.  I have a great husband that will bend over backwards to do anything for me and loves me to pieces.  I have family and friends reaching out to me.  I am trying to look at the blessings...the positives....and remind myself that everything isn't lost.  Life would be so much better if all my angel babies were my earth angels, but I've just got to accept that they never will be.  I'm working on it, but oh how I miss them and long to hold them.

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