Friday, July 22, 2011

Back to normal...or MY normal anyway...

Physically, I'm feeling better.  I'm building up my muscles again that have literally turned to Jell-O over the last few months due to inactivity.  I am ready to re-join the gym once the kids get back in school and I WILL get healthy. I don't ever want to feel as fragile, unhealthy, and close-to-dying, as I did over the past two weeks.  Knowing my statistics for heart disease and strokes, not only due to family history but now my odds with repeated miscarriage (recent studies are very discouraging), I am going to do everything I can to keep myself out of any more statistics...unless it involves winning the lottery, but the odds are usually only in my favor with the negative, so I won't hold my breath on that one.

Emotionally, it is still a struggle. I fight back tears constantly...when seeing babies, hearing babies, seeing pregnant women, Baby on Board's everywhere.  Hayley knows when I am struggling, and it makes it even more awkward because I know that SHE knows.  The baby section in the store is a nightmare.  She asks me things that make us both tear up, but I'm glad she is comfortable enough to know that she can ask me anything and I will tell her. I told her to always ask me or talk to me about anything, even if it makes either of us cry, because crying is okay.  It may hurt, but it's healthy and okay to get it out.  She should never have to wonder about anything and have it eat at her, especially if I know the answer...or at least can listen.

We did have a good time today and it was nice to be out and about and feeling somewhat "normal" again.  In the same breath it's hard to be "normal" when I should be pregnant, feeling Andrew kicking me and exhausting me...instead it's just me.  Anyway, Hayley and I went shopping and had a good time just she and I.  We haven't been able to do it in a while and she is growing up so fast....we definitely need to do it more often.  Andrew did make me realize how precious every moment is and how I need to focus on the positives and not just dwell on the negatives.  My kids are definitely big positives.  I am so blessed to have them.  I am still struggling and will continue to do so, but I know my life will go on.  I am going to try and make the most of it and hopefully Andrew and my other angel babies will be proud of me for it.  

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