Saturday, October 15, 2011

I never knew lighting a candle could be so hard...

In memory and support of all the angel mommies and their angel babies, I lit my candle, as did many other mommies around the world.  I never thought it would be so emotional.  If I'm being honest, I never thought much of it at all.  I knew I would do it just because it was one more thing that I could do, even though I didn't see that it would have much effect, aside from making me feel good inside, knowing that I was honoring the angels.  It was the principle of feel like I was doing something. 

I lit my candle, sat Andrew in front of me, then added the urn.  Though Andrew's ashes are in the lamb and not the urn, the urn still represents the babies, our angels, taken to soon, but being cared for an loved at the feet of beautiful angels that will hold them until we are able to ourselves.  The more I sat, the more it hit me.  It is so hard.  To say I cried is an understatement.  The wounds are still fresh.  

I went online and shared my pictures with the other angel mommies who are my greatest support system.  They have become a family, even though I've never met a single one of them in person.  We share the good, the bad, the graphic, the a way we are bound together by a connection so strong that I have no explanation.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but I'm sure glad that having to go through it I have found these wonderful ladies.  I wanted them to know that I, too, was burning my candle for them and theirs, just as they were for mine.  A very strong and courageous woman, Nikki, has went above and beyond trying to spread awareness for lost angels.  She has shared pictures of balloons with all of our babies' names, as well as a t-shirt with all the babies' names.  Too many names.  Too many. 

Looking at the picture and hearing the feedback on how beautiful it was sent me overboard.  I know that my emotions are raw and show very clearly in the photo.  It's not staged or fake.  Looking at the picture hits me because I feel the pain and see it in myself.  I only wish I could plant a kiss on my baby and not a stuffed animal that now holds his ashes.  I am thankful to have him here with me, though.  I am so glad that I fought for that in the hospital and didn't just let them lead me along.  I wish there was a way to spread more awareness to women that they have more rights than they may think.  While I was in labor, I was on the computer researching other women's stories.  Researching my options.  When I found out that I had the choice to go out on my own with my son's body and not just have a community scattering of ashes that occurs once a month at the hospital's butterfly garden, I knew I wanted him home with me.  I hope that a woman in a similar situation may happen upon my blog and fight for her own rights and that they may learn something beforehand, before the chance is taken away from them and it is too late.  It's hard enough when you are in that moment to think at all, but it is so necessary to how you heal, I think.  I keep being so open and honest in this blog for that very help others that may find themselves frantically searching for the same kind of information I was.  

In memory of all our babies gone too soon, too precious for this earth, and all the mommies who will always love and miss them.  I love you all. 

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