Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I held son

Two weeks ago I was at the hospital waiting to give birth to you.  I was scared to see you, but anxious all the same.  I was torn by hurt, sorrow, depression, shock, and even anger....I still am.  I knew you were gone and I still feel there was something I should have or could have done.  Maybe I wasn't active enough, or maybe I didn't eat enough?  I should've been taking aspirin, just in case.  I will never know if something so simple could have kept you here with me, and this blog wouldn't even exist.  Why did the path have to split in this direction?  When you were born my heart and soul tore into a million pieces. It was hard to look at you like that, but I couldn't take my eyes away.  You were little boy.  The nurse put you in your little bed and handed you to us and I was overtaken by how much you look like your big brother, Trevor. I just kept staring at you, wondering how just three days ago you were alive, and now here we are, holding you for the first and only time to say hello and goodbye. I still can't believe it. Why couldn't it be a few months down the road.  Why couldn't the bassinett in the corner have you in it, warm and kicking and screaming?  Why can't the lullaby's be playing over the loud speaker to announce to the world that our little Prince had arrived?  I want you here so bad. I want to see you born on New Year's and hold you in my arms, marveling at how much you look like Trevor as you grow, watching you interact with your brothers and sister. It's only a dream now... or a nightmare, honestly.  My dreams haven't been peaceful since you've been gone. My chest is heavy with grief and it's hard to function, but I'm trying really hard to push through, for you...for Hayley and Trevor.  I am trying to be brave and to smile.  I am trying to tell myself that there is some lesson to be learned from this and maybe that message is for me to take care of myself, to enjoy life to the fullest, and to focus more on being happy instead of always stressing out.  I haven't lived much in the last three years waiting to have another have you.  I am going to try and focus more on other things and let what happens happen.  I will put my health and needs forefront and start trying to do for me.  That may sound selfish, but I think that is what I need to do for the first time, well...ever.  It's not quite as easy as it sounds, but with all my angels looking out for me, I have hope that I can do this.  Give all your brothers and sisters a kiss from me and know that I love you all.  We all do.  Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you. Hayley drew a picture of all of us here on earth and those of you in the clouds above us, our babies...we all love and miss you.  Daddy and Trevor talk about you and miss you as well and it's hard on us all, trying to understand.  Send more butterflies our way...we are watching for them. Mommy loves you, so much.  I miss you more each day.  I don't know if my heart will ever heal now that you are gone.

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