Friday, July 15, 2011

Party time...I can do this...

I opened the urn this morning.  I had my moment, but it is perfect.  It's not a typical urn, but a figurine of an angel sitting with a baby at her feet...Andrew.  I just need him home now so I can close this chapter and try to begin moving on. I am still feeling weak, exhausted, and emotionally and physically hungover.  I am feeling better though, so I'm hanging on to that. Doug has been busy cleaning the house and fixing things that needed to be fixed before Hayley's birthday weekend.  They still have to go to the store and get a few last minute things, but he's playing Mr. Mom quite well and I am so thankful to have such a great husband.  Of course, the fact that he loves his Hayley to pieces may be more of a contributing factor than fulfilling my wishes, but that's okay. :^).  She deserves it.  I think staying busy helps him cope, anyway.  Hopefully, this weekend will help her cope and be the escape she needs.  Next week, when I am able to move around again, we are going to have a make up day.  She and I will go shopping, and have a mom and daughter day.  I can't wait.  This summer has been a bummer for everyone.  Three months of me lying in bed, sick, and then this outcome...we have a lot of catching up to do.  Sad thing is, this is two summers in a row that happened that way.

I am still getting an outpouring of support and caring from everyone and it just makes me feel so blessed to have such great friends and family.  My blog has been viewed over 500 times in one week, which means that my getting out there and everyone knows of him.  That was a closure I never got with my last miscarried angels, and although they were different and not quite as hard as this one, they were devastating nonetheless.  They never existed to anyone but Doug and I.  I wish that all babies were treated the way Andrew was and that everyone was afforded the closure that we have gotten this time around.  It is hard beyond belief, but to leave the hospital and still carry on Andrew's name, instead of leaving empty and everyone acts like it didn't happen...that makes a world of difference.  I am thankful I was able to deliver him, hold him, say my goodbyes, and somewhat come to terms with it, instead of being put to sleep, only to wake up and be sent on my way, empty, with nothing to validate the baby that was growing inside me and was so immensely loved.  My previous 14-week loss was just that and I never had closure.  Luckily, I was blessed with Trevor not long after, which helped fill some of the void in my heart and arms.  My previous 9-week miscarriage, which was at home, also gave me the chance to say goodbye since I was able to retrieve her and have that closure as well. She was genetically fine, so I really chalked it up to the SCH (subchorionic hemorrhage) that started the day that I jumped and twisted the wrong way...a sonogram the day before showed no bleeding at all, so I know it started the moment I felt the sharp pain after twisting.

Now that I have had three miscarriages in a row, I am in a really high risk category for several reasons...three in a row, 2nd trimester losses, over 35, etc...  I am still holding on to the hope that I will have answers.  My desire to have a baby is so strong and has been for so long.  The fight, pain, and depression I have endured for the last three years is because that desire is so strong.  If I don't get answers, I don't know what I'll do.  I cannot go into another pregnancy blind and wonder what will happen.  Pregnancy is so hard on me and my body to begin with.  My body, my mind, my family...cannot endure any more of this horror.  I just don't know right now....I have hundreds of questions and not a single answer.

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