Thursday, July 14, 2011

Physically, mentally, emotionally....exhausted

I never did get to see my daughter yesterday.  I ended up staying the night again thanks to having a dose of ephedrine during my surgery (D&C).  I woke up feeling like I was going to go crazy, and I swear I wasn't far from it.  When my doctor finally came in I told her that I was having trouble breathing, I was anxious, my heart was pounding, I couldn't be still and couldn't get comfortable...I was going to lose it.  I told her I just felt agitated.  That's when she explained the ephedrine.  No wonder!  I can't even do caffeine!  SPEED!!??!  It was horrible for about 5 hours and finally started to ease up a bit.  I was finally able to get some rest and got some sleep, which helped.  Now I feel hungover and still a bit anxious, but I feel like I will survive now.  I need a few more days to recover, but overall, much better.  I can actually see a pinhole of light at the end of the tunnel...FINALLY.  I am so ready to get this IV out, take a shower, see my babies, and go home.  I hope I am up to Hayley's birthday stuff this weekend.  There are just so many things going through my head.  I'm not up to phone calls just because I am THAT tired and just don't have much to say right now.  I hope nobody takes that the wrong way, I love you all, but talking takes it out of me, too.

2:30 p.m. - we made it home around 10 this morning.  The ride home was rough and it was hard not to panic and go back to the hospital, but once I got home, got in bed, and rested for a while I started to feel settled in. I think I'm actually going to start feeling "normal" in a few days.  I finally have a little hope.  I'm so exhausted but it's so hard to sleep because my head won't shut down and let me sleep.  I keep asking myself all the what if's, the why's, the how's.  I keep hearing that damn Kenny G-inspired Brahm's Lullaby playing throughout the hospital every time a baby is born and it haunts me.  As luck would have it, my room in the ER was right next to a newborn baby that kept crying...and all I could do was the same.  It's just so unfair.

...and finally, Hayley got to open her presents and tell me about her birthday that I missed.  She got emotional...I got emotional, but we both held it together.  I swear she is so awesome in so many ways.  It was so good to see her, hug her, and smother her with kisses.  At least she's not too old for private, anyway. :)  It was good to see my little man also, although he was ticked off we picked him up so early and granny had to wake him up....before he had even had a granny breakfast.  He huffed and puffed all the way home.  Anyway, at least things are moving on now.  I am hopeful that there will be no more complications.  I will get caught up on my rest and let my body and mind recover, and then I can figure out where I go from here.  With so much support, I know I'll get there.

8:30 p.m.  Just when I thought I was going to make it through the day, the baby's urn just arrived.  What little breath I had was knocked out of me.  I'm not opening the box right now, I just can't bear it.

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