Friday, September 30, 2011


I had the hysteroscopy this morning.  I was worried about seeing my womb/uterus empty, but after the initial pain of the insertion of the camera, I was drawn to the screen.  It was really engaging to see a part of my body that, granted, lost four of my babies, but also bore me three of the most amazing children a mother could ask for.  To see the two holes that are the entrances of my fallopian tubes into the uterus, it hit me that this was where my three children's lives had began.  19 years ago an egg actually came out of one or the other, and I became a mother.  It's surreal.

The good news is that everything was beautiful.  There were no issues that should cause a miscarriage.  The bad news is...still no answers why I've lost my babies.  The more we talk, the more it seems like a chromosomal issue had something to do with losing Andrew, since his heart rate was high up until he died on the 4th of July at 14 weeks.  Maybe due to distress, but we'll never know.  I also found out that there were only 8 out of 23 chromosome tests done because of an issue with the machine not reading the rest of the slides or something.  Of course, my old doctor never had the decency to tell me this herself, even though I was calling every two weeks to inquire about the results.  When they finally had them, she didn't even call me, I called her.  Her response was that "everything was normal."  Her time will come.  I'm still waiting on my reimbursement and then I will start fighting.  Anyway, my previous loss, Lily, was tested for all of them and all were negative, so it was the bleed that caused her loss, which is unrelated.  They all seem to be just luck of the draw-type issues, so hopefully this will be the end of it and I will have a decent shot next time.  The doctor sees no reason why I shouldn't because we can't find anything wrong to begin with.

I did get to come home with copies of my insides.  I threw the doctor off a bit by asking if I got copies, but she was thrilled that I was as interested and amazed as she was by it all. No one had ever asked for pictures before.  Leave it to me.  It was also nice that for the first time in a long time she called me "normal."  We both agreed that is rarely a word used to describe the uniqueness and complexity that IS me.  It felt good. :^)

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