Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Roller Coaster of Emotions...

I've been doing better...on the outside, anyway.  I'm keeping it together more, holding back the tears, not feeling such a sucker punch when I see pregnant women or babies...I'm getting there.  Don't get me wrong, I still have days where all I do is cry every time I have a moment alone, but the pain is lessening to an extent.  Today, however, has already been a tough one, and it's only 10 a.m.  I hurt my arm yesterday and can't move it, so the stress and strain of that makes my emotions that much worse, I think.  I had an appointment this morning with Dr. Thomas.  I was in the exam room, alone, staring at the ultrasound screens and I couldn't breathe.  I had numerous ultrasounds done of both Lily and Andrew, expecting them to be okay, watching them grow and flourish....I'm going to be sick.  I still remember through the bleeding episodes with Andrew, everything seemed to be fine and we couldn't find the source of the bleed.  I remember the day that we hugged and teared up because I was graduating from her office to my regular OB at 10 weeks.  Now, I am back to that room...back to the beginning.  Trying to find answers.  Trying to understand.  Dreading what is about to be shown to me on the screen now.  An empty womb.  The baby is gone.  It is like an echo of my heart right now...empty, black, hollow...staring back at me from the screen.

The good news is, the last of the tissue was gone.  I had 24 follies already, so looks like things are starting to get back on track.  I am going back in Friday for an OH, where they guide a camera up into my cervix and uterus to look for anything structural that could be an issue, or any scar tissue...especially since I had the damn pointless D&C from the incompetent OB.  I also had a bunch of labs drawn, so I'm praying for answers, but at the same time, I'm praying that nothing is wrong.  Do I want answers or do I want nothing to be wrong?  How is that for a decision?  If the house is burning down, do you save your dog or your cat?  How can you possibly choose between those and not be conflicted and stressed?  I swear I feel like God's test dummy.  I see him up there poking needles here and there and just looking down at me quizzically, wondering how much one person can take.  Let's give her money problems here, bill collectors that are screwing her over right there, let's rev up the pain levels a few notches and jack up her arm, make her an emotional mess, throw in some fatigue and more stress, make sure all these extra bills come up so she can't afford a massage to help with the pain, oh yeah and make sure her daughter needs a few shots for school and a checkup with her outrageous insurance co-pays that way she has to figure out how to make that happen...and....GO!  I literally feel like my life is a joke to whatever powers that be have control over it, and no one can change my mind about it.  Unless you have been through this mess that just keeps piling up, then it won't do you any good to try to convince me I'm wrong, no matter how well-intentioned the attempt.

So, I just wait for labs to come in.  Wait for the test on Friday and hope for the best and hope it doesn't hurt too bad since I can't tolerate medications.  Wait for the game plan, then wait....just wait.

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