Two weeks ago...

Two weeks ago I was telling my friends and family how I was excited to have reached the second trimester - the "honeymoon" trimester.  One friend in particular I was telling how I couldn't wait for this day to be over because it coincided with the latest loss I had had in the past.  Just one more day and I could breathe easier.  My very first loss I had found out at 14 weeks that the baby died at 12.  Once I woke up in the morning...THEN it would be easier to finally start enjoying this pregnancy.  I would have passed all the points of loss I'd had in the past and I was "safe."  I listened to the heartbeat before I went to bed, excited to wake up and really start this pregnancy...buying clothes and toys, baby stuff, etc.  I could finally give in and purchase some maternity clothes instead of the few pairs of regular pants I was wearing everywhere.  I could start talking about my pregnancy without cringing at the word, just in case...

The heartbeat sounded as it always did.  I went to bed.  Andrew died some time within the next few hours.  Why?  I still don't know.  I still couldn't believe waking up and not finding the heartbeat. I knew it was just a cruel joke because of the dating.  I mean, I had made it one day PAST my last loss, which was already past the time when most miscarriages occur, the DAY I had been waiting to pass...I was in my 2nd trimester where the risk goes down to 1%...this was the day I had been counting down to, and I made it!...and there was nothing!?! I just still can't wrap my head around it. I still can't believe I have gone through it again, especially when everything was going fine.  The tests I had done by my specialist in the last year showed that there was nothing to worry about.  My miscarriages seemed to be just luck of the draw flukes.  How could this happen?  I still can't believe Hayley's birthday came and went.  Instead of being at the 4D ultrasound with the family, as we had planned for over a month....I was in the hospital having surgery?  I just don't get it.  I'm still in shock, I guess.  Still struggling with the physical symptoms.  Maybe once I don't have to worry about my physical health, it might sink in a little more...or hopefully when I get answers.  I wish I could rewind two weeks and hear his heart beating again...but then, I would just be living this entire nightmare over again, I guess...if only things could have been different.