Monday, July 11, 2011

So far, so good?

Well, I just called the doctor's office (I will call her a doctor, for lack of a better word...yes, I'm bitter).  I asked if they had found out if the pathologist was able to perform an autopsy, or exactly what he was able to do, to help find a cause.  As we had assumed, there was no autopsy, being that Andrew was so small and fragile, but an overall check, where they examined everything they could see, came back normal.  He looked perfect to the pathologist, just as he had to us.  I'm not sure how I feel about that honestly.  I was hoping there would be an obvious reason, but so far, nothing.  I assume this means the placenta checked out as well, but then again, I don't know that for sure yet because I didn't specifically ask.  Now, we just wait on the chromosomal testing and hope there is an answer.  I don't know what I'm going to do if that comes back normal as well.  A perfectly healthy and normal baby, just gone???  There is no way to link this one to the last two miscarriages (we assume we know those causes and they were two totally different things), although maybe with my first miscarriage there is something???  I will probably have all the testing done again that has already been done in the past.  Maybe this time something will show up, maybe not.  At this point, I'm not holding my breath on that.  Also, my contractions finally stopped last night and I was able to finally get some sleep, although I kept waking up in a panic.  It's just so hard to go about being just me again...not making sure I'm laying on my left side...or forcing myself to stay hydrated...not waiting on Andrew to arrive...not counting down the weeks until I know he could survive if something did happen.  I never made it to that point, unfortunately.  Just eight more weeks and he would have had a 50% chance.  It seemed so close, yet so far away.  So unfair.

Update:  Found out that there was an autopsy done and everything looked just fine.  The placenta was fine also.  Should be good news, but it feels more like another blow.  Now we wait for chromosomes and if that was fine, then it was me, obviously.  Something to do with my body ended my son's life...I really hope it's chromosomes.

I just got back from the doctor after getting really dizzy and worrying about blood loss.  The doctor got me in, did blood work, and tried to say that everything was basically resulting from my emotions.  The cramping and contractions seemed worse than they were because of my depression.  After all, my blood work was fine and my vitals were good. Until she examined me and realized why I was worried and said, "Oh.  That is more bleeding than I would expect being this far out.  I see why you were concerned."  Thanks for finally acknowledging that I'm not a complete headcase.  Now I have to go to Radiology tomorrow for an ultrasound to make sure there is nothing worrisome going on.  One foot in front of the other....right?

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