Reality

The reality is definitely starting to set in.  It is getting much harder to make it through the day without crying or having moments of feeling totally overwhelmed.  The funeral home called and we have an appointment to go in tomorrow and sign papers.  Doug tried to save me from it and offered himself, but unfortunately, the mother has to be there in person to sign papers.  They said we could put it off until I am feeling better physically, but I just want to get it over with.  I will never start feeling better knowing that a visit to the funeral home is in my future, so I just have to do it, get it over with, and put one foot in front of the other and see where it takes me.  Once we sign we should have our little Andrew home in 10-14 days.  I just want him here with me.  I shopped through urns and keepsakes today and it was so hard to imagine that this is what my dream has been reduced to...a box or figurine that will hold my son's ashes.  

Trevor came in earlier and told me he wished the baby hadn't died.  I think he was trying to make me feel better.    He hates to see me upset and even when I'm smiling, he can feel it.  He's been giving me even more hugs and kisses than usual.  More "I love you's" and winks when I look his way.  He is my little sidekick, I tell ya.  Hayley has been cleaning and keeping herself busy, and keeping check on me.  Even Taylor has found the right words to say to help me cope.  I am so blessed to have awesome and caring children.  Maybe that's why God has chosen so many of them for himself.  I will try to keep convincing myself that there is some higher meaning that I just don't understand...one that actually makes sense.  I'm trying to find faith and some positive outlook on it, but I tell ya...it's not easy.

Aside from my kids being my guiding light through the grief and sadness, the kindness, love, and caring that we have been shown has really help lift us up.  My virtual family and friends have left me so many kind messages, checking on me, leaving me poems and offering up help...it means so much and helps mend the tiny pieces of our shattered hearts.  Doug's work sent us a beautiful bouquet of flowers, brought us lunch from Chili's, and even a huge gift basket full of goodies for not only myself and Doug, but for the kids as well.  It is so nice to know that people out there want to help take some of our pain away and will go that extra mile.

Anyway, I guess I will end it there and hopefully get some sleep.  In a perfect world, I will wake up feeling better and rested tomorrow and will have some of my strength back, physically and emotionally.  I'm going to try not to build up my fears of the funeral home tomorrow and just let it happen.  Maybe it won't be as emotional and hard as I'm terrified that it will be.  I shouldn't be going to a funeral home regarding my baby that just days ago was safe in my womb and apparently thriving, who was punching and kicking just a week before during an ultrasound...but I am, and he is really gone.  I am empty.  I know tomorrow is going to be a tough one, as if the last few days haven't been, but hopefully I can find the strength to get through it.  I hate to sound so negative, but it is what it is, unfortunately.