God...

I don't mean this rude or disrespectfully, but I do mean it very literally:

For those of you who have conversations with God, please take a moment and ask him what it is I've done that makes me such a bad person.  What have I done that my prayers continue to go unanswered or almost as if they are answered in brutal retaliation.  There has to be something because it's like my life is His joke.  I don't feel His help as I work day in and day out to climb out of the abyss.  I have done this of my own will and strength.  It's not easy.  I convince myself that things will change.  I am NOT cursed.  Things WILL get better.  Through the physical and mental pain, the depression, the anxiety...I keep telling myself it WILL get better.  I get to an almost "normal" level of functioning and then have something really awesome thrown my way, boosting my "faith" that things are indeed looking up for me and I will actually be happy again, I am not alone, maybe He really is on my side and doesn't enjoy my constant suffering....only to be chewed up, spit out, and trampled on, as if to say, "Did you REALLY think things would go your way....BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Again, not meaning to step on any religious toes or start a religious tirade here, but I truly feel this way.  I would love answers, real answers.  Save your breath if you are going to tell me to quit being negative or I bring this on myself because if you really know me, then you know it is actually quite the opposite.  I think I handle the cards I've been dealt quite well, all things considered.  So, if you do talk to God and he talks back...please take a moment and ask him for me.  Maybe he will answer you.  I ask and pray...he just doesn't answer.