Friday, October 14, 2011


Yesterday was both the anniversary of the day when my husband and I first met...and never separated.  For 15 years, I can count on one hand the nights we have been apart since.  He is my other half.  We are basically one, as cliche as it sounds.  We just ARE.  I could not imagine life any other way, even when it gets a little rough. :)

It was also the 7-year anniversary of my first loss.  At 14 weeks I began spotting, went to the ER, and learned there was no heartbeat.  I had never even heard of this happening this far along, or a heartbeat stopping while the pregnancy continued.  I can still remember the surrealness.  The feeling that I was going to die right then, as if an atom bomb had just exploded in my face.  I didn't know how I would survive it, and had I not gotten pregnant a few months later and had my rainbow, Trevor, I don't know that I would have survived at all.  Trevor didn't replace my lost baby, but it helped feel that emptiness in my heart and in my arms.  It helped sugarcoat the pain of grief a bit.  It helped me believe that the missed miscarriage, along with being in my second trimester, was a less than 1% occurrence.  It sucked I had to be in that 1%, but SURELY it would never happen again.  I had another baby...everything was good, right?

Now, here I am with three more losses, more emptiness and aching in my heart and in my arms.  No answers as to why....I seem to be perfectly "healthy."  Who knew within seven years time I would become a mommy to four angels that were just too beautiful for this earth?  I never would have imagined, though it is always a fear.  What will the next few years bring?  I hope it is happiness.  I hope that the depression, the losses, the hurt, the pain, the PHYSICAL ailments that go along with all of it...I hope they are gone and I will be looking back and thinking, "Wow.  I remember those days.  So crazy how hard everything was, but I'm so thankful now."  I HOPE that everything will fall into place and I will be able to put this all behind me, in a sense, and it will just be a memory of all the bad luck.  I've been waiting to move forward for so long...

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