Thursday, August 4, 2011

So tired...

It's been a few days since I last posted.  I have been busy.  Tired.  Confused.  Stressed.

I started back to work after a month off (actually longer because I had been having computer issues, so it's been a LONG break).  I've been dealing with the insurance for all the doctor and hospital bills, as well as dealing with the car insurance for the wreck I was in.  Andrew was cremated Monday, but there was another paper that wasn't signed, so Doug had to go to the funeral home to sign it, and we are still waiting to get Andrew home. On top of that, Hayley had drill camp this week from 8:45 to 12, so after my first shift was over, I was off to drop her at the camp, go home and work my second shift, and then quitting early so I could go back for her.  By noon, I already had a busy 7-hour day!  Usually, I would love it, but I am so exhausted.  I just can't kick the exhaustion, the fatigue, the no energy, and I cannot think for anything.  I know there are obvious reasons why, but with my fibromyalgia, everything is just intensified.  No sleep is enough to feel rested.  I literally need a jackhammer to work through my spasms.  Aside from the pain, which I can handle because I'm used to it, the fatigue and fibro "brain fog" is ridiculous.  I knew that a symptom of my fibromyalgia is sensitivity to stress, but boy am I a case example right now.  I should submit myself as a guinea pig...   Seriously.

I am trying to juggle all these things I need to be dealing with, but it's hard to keep my head straight.  Of course, if I weren't having to fight against the outrageous bills, and having to fight because the lady who flat out HIT my car is denying it and lying (even though the insurance totally believes me... but without her admission, I will have to pay my $500 deductible since there were no witnesses and we live in a "no-fault" state.  It will not go against me since it is ruled as not being my fault, BUT I still have to pay money that I should never be having to pay in the first place!).  I already have proof that she hit me, just in the marks on my car and the fact that her story doesn't even make sense, which the insurance lady blatantly told me.  I just need someone to let me point out to them all the inconsistencies and the marks, and I can easily prove, without a doubt, without witnesses, what happened....and I WILL.  Let me play the part of the lawyer for just a moment, because I'm really good at proving my point when I'm being called a liar or getting screwed.  I will find whomever I need to to listen to me and will make sure this B#*$@ pays for my car.  The fact that there are TIRE marks, ALONE, proves that I was going straight and her tire was turned towards ME...because she was coming into MY lane as I was going straight!  There wasn't any body contact from her car, so how does the tire hit me and not her car....ESPECIALLY if I am driving into her?  Just the tire and side mirror?  Nope...doesn't work. I was ticked that she hit my new car, but I'm even MORE ticked now that she is flat out lying about it and blaming ME!!!  Liars are one of my biggest peeves, and in this case, it is a very close second to how mad I am about the damage to my car.  I would love to go MMA on her a$$ right now and relieve my stress all over her sorry self.  That would be such good medicine to me right now.  Give her back all the crap and stress she has added to my life, the weight she has thrown on MY shoulders, when I didn't have an option either way.  I was just driving down the road trying to spend the day with my kids...

THEN there's the hospital. The hospital denied my first dispute, saying that a baby is either stillborn or a live birth, and that is how they charge.  There are set fees, and it is either one or the other...but it's not.  It took forever and letting me "speak to whomever is on the next level" to finally explain to them that my situation is rare and to get them to UNDERSTAND, though I'm still not positive they understand what exactly DIDN'T happen.  Typically, I had a miscarriage and you are not induced for it.  You either have it at home or go through surgery.  They could not understand that there was no doctor, no physician's assistant, no nothing.  I was basically in a room for observation and assistance in case there was a snag.  My baby had died, but my body was not aware of it, so my body was made to go into labor...I was induced.  That, and the fact I was so far along that a D&C was riskier. We had a nurse who checked in every few hours and who came in after Andrew was born to help get him situated.  That was it.  No $4,000+ delivery, no pushing that was coached by a doctor, no anesthesiologist to help keep me comfortable, no physician's assistant, no monitoring me, because I didn't take any pain medication, no team of people to look after the baby, no aftercare for me...nothing but Doug and I.  I hope they got it this time, because if not, I will dispute it again.  I will NOT pay for a more complicated delivery, when mine was nowhere near any of it.  I don't care if they don't usually break down the charges...they will this time because that is just ridiculous.  Would you pay the same price for having a shed built if they were supposed to build you a house?  Of course not.  I'm not saying Andrew wasn't worth the money, he was worth everything, but I'm not paying Big Business for care that didn't happen.

On top of it, I lost my baby.  My little Andrew.  Trevor's spitting image.  My heart is still broken.  I still have to look at babies and see pregnant women everywhere I go, and no one knows the heartache inside.  No one knows that even though I look normal, my brain is split into two, one seemingly normal-functioning half to keep me looking normal and going about business as usual, and the other half that is torn into a million pieces, constantly thinking about my baby and everything that goes with it...the part we learn to bury deep inside. No stranger will look at me and know the horror and pain I have lived in the last month (the last years really) and it is really hard to act like it didn't, but that's what we angel mommies do.  We have to pick up and be shoved out into the world where there is no real understanding.  We have to go to our doctor's appointments and sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women, or women with newborns, while we are trying to recover from the loss of ours.  We get to pick up the pregnancy and parenting magazines to read to try and divert our attention.  We have to go to the store and pass the baby items and baby clothes, knowing that we should be shopping this department, but now we just have to wonder if we ever will again.  We have to pass the dates weekly that coincide with how far along we should be, how big the baby should be, or how much longer until we could meet and hold them, and instead of the joy of getting that much closer and celebrating milestones, we are counting the weeks since our loss, the weeks since we held them, the weeks since we found out our pregnancy was over and there was nothing we could do to change it.  Now we have to dread the upcoming empty due dates, the anniversary of our losses, and all the other dates that should be of no significance, but now are overwhelmingly significant.  It's so frustrating and overwhelming.  Life could and should be so different right now.

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