Finally, we have a little bit of money so I can get the kid's school shopping done before school in FIVE days! Sheesh. Everyone who knows me knows that I hate doing anything last minute...I mean, I usually have Christmas done in May! With me being off work the last two months and all the extra bills that have accrued surrounding my loss, it has been a struggle. I even had to put off my electric bill for two weeks...the first time I haven't paid a bill on time in over 10 years, and it stresses me out! Anyway, we are caught up now, so hopefully there will be a little left after shopping today. We'll see. :) Right now, I am just trying to focus on the weeks ahead and the fact that my youngest is starting kindergarten and I will be alone for the first time since 2000. Hayley was in school three months before I had Trevor...that was my only "off" time. This time I was due on New Year's. I was going to have a few months "off" again, and then I would start all over with Andrew. Now I will just be alone. It's a hard pill to swallow.
I think my monthly cycle finally kicked in last night. I was cramping and bleeding pretty bad, but it's hard to tell since I have been bleeding since my loss. Sorry if it's TMI, but I know there are people reading this who are here because they are in a similar situation and need to know what to expect or to know the reality. It is really hard to move on when you have that constant reminder and constant worry, wondering if this is normal or if there is something wrong...or if you will bleed to death...no joke. People who haven't went through this just don't understand the constant toll it takes, emotionally, physically, and mentally. It doesn't go away in a few weeks. I am starting to move on and I don't cry all day every day anymore, but I have my little Andrew monkey to hold and talk to when I need to...not that it compares. Aside from that, I have put his pictures on the dresser, away from my constant line of sight. It was hard and I felt guilty at first, but I knew I would never start the healing process if I was constantly staring at his picture. I still look at them several times a day, and I won't forget, of course, but I am trying to figure out where life goes from here and how to try to move on.
It's so hard to think that I should be halfway through my pregnancy right now. I should be feeling him moving around and kicking, rubbing my bulbous belly, but instead I'm trying to feel better so I can begin to exercise and lose weight. It's just so weird...so wrong. I prayed my whole pregnancy for God to keep him safe, to let this happen, for Andrew to make it...but he didn't. Things looked just fine, but something happened. I prayed to make it to the 4D ultrasound that Hayley was so excited for...all she wanted for her birthday. I prayed that I would finally be blessed with my final baby and would be able to move on with the rest of my life instead of focusing wholly on that very thing, as I have for the last three years. Move on from the stress, depression, worry, anxiety, etc. I would finally be able to figure out the rest of my life and close this chapter....but the chapter ended before it was finished. Now I have to re-write the book and start all over.
I prayed. Friends and family prayed. I have lost 4 babies now. Sure, I will continue to pray, just as a prophylaxis. Just in case there is something to it. Do I believe there is anyone hearing the prayers? Well...after my losses, the suffering that has come with them, not only for me, but (mainly) for my daughter who has spent her last 3 birthdays learning about death and loss, suffering, and grieving....would you? If you could see the replay of the movie in my mind and not just read the words and try to picture a few minutes of it...if you could see the incessant torture and "bad luck" that have plagued me the last three years, through all my prayers...if you could see your tiny daughter's eyes reflecting back at you from a toilet of blood, or see your little boy sprawled out before you, limp, and know that both were perfectly healthy and should have made it...if you could go through all that and still have faith, then I applaud and admire you. I wish I could believe, but right now, I just don't. I may not be the best person in the world, but just once, in three years, at least for my children, could He not have stepped in with his all-loving, miracle-performing grace, and granted me just ONE of my lost children? I mean, it's not even a miracle, really...just to let my pregnancy continue since my babies were healthy, as most other pregnancies do...to smokers, drug addicts, hookers? OR, at the very least, give me some answers!!?!? Could he have stepped in and helped with my surgery and made sure that I would wake up and get a break, be able to rest, instead of fighting for my life and sanity thanks to the reaction to the anesthesia? How about a break from my chronic pain and fatigue, or allow my body to tolerate some kind of pain or relaxation medication, so that I could have some momentary relief? If He truly is the all-loving God...then he will understand my doubt and my questions. I was born without an ounce of naivete in my body. I need to see it to believe it. He made me what I am, right? He can take it.
I have too many questions and no answers when it comes to religion, as with everything else. Out of the 10,000+ religions out there...there are a bunch of believers that obviously are wrong. I mean, every religion can't be right that THEIR religion is THE religion, or THEIR God is THE God, yet, the people in each religion believe wholeheartedly that they are right. Some people kill for their God, others don't eat meat, some fast altogether or live their life in silence. So, which is it? Is it the church whose pastor takes people's hard-earned, limited money and buys himself and his wife the fanciest house and car? Is it the preacher whom you've listened to for 20 years, only to find out he was molesting children the entire time you took his every word as The Word? Sure, not everyone is bad, but I just can't believe everything and anyone just because that's what I'm "supposed" to believe. I need something more substantial than a stranger's Word.
You may be appalled to read that someone questions God or that I would say so out loud, but it is what it is. I mean that truthfully. I can't help it...it's how I feel. It's seldom accepted when people question God, yet if something good happens God is the first to get credit, while when something bad happens he's somehow off the hook and had no hand in it. How does it feel when you lose a baby and the torment cannot even begin to be described in words, and you hear, "God has a plan," or "Everything happens for a reason." Those are opinions...and these are mine, so it should be interpreted that way. I don't blast you for saying there is a good reason and plan while my children are taken away or that something good will come from the terror, gore, and despair I lived through, so I expect the same courtesy.
I'm not trying to sound mean or hateful about it, I just really need answers because I cannot make myself believe things that proof and science dictate otherwise. Life would be easier if I could. If I could flip that switch and magically believe, I would. If anyone has answers, other than quoting the Bible, then I would love to hear. I would love to believe and to have faith that there is an Almighty God looking after me. I do believe there is something, a Higher Power, planes of existence, levels of consciousness. I have found a meditation center that I am going to start going to as soon as my body heals and I have time for myself. I think it will be the best thing for me and fits more with my beliefs. The man who runs it has went to college and studied all religions. He has went to Tibet and spent weeks with Buddhist monks and takes time furthering his Spirituality. I'm not trying to piss anyone off or start a debate, or to think I am evil, but I really need answers before I can jump in and believe that "everything happens for a reason," or "there is a Higher Purpose." I hope there is.